Twin Peaks - The 12 Days of Christmas

The majority of Christmas themed movies and TV specials are intentionally mushy and heart-warming, designed to keep the viewer warm inside whilst in the midst of a cold, bleak midwinter. However, although it may be the ~season to be jolly~, occasionally a black hole will appear in the light-polluted sky of silver tinsel and Homebase outdoor Christmas lights. Whether it be a certain Mr J. Skellington, Scrooge's trio of festive phantoms, or even a parody version of a traditional carol by the cast of a cult 90's TV show.

 Indeed, whereas 'a body...dead....wraaaapped in plaaaaastiiiiic' might not conjure up ideas of roast chestnuts and snowball fights that are typically associated with the holidays - the cast of Twin Peaks version of The 12 Days of Christmas is a brilliant holiday treat for fans of the series.

Recorded for L.A. rock radio station, KROQ, the parody features the following characters from the popular Lynch TV-series;  Special Agent Dale Cooper, Killer Bob, Lucy Moran, Johnny Horne, Bobby Briggs and Pete Martell. The parody is a perfect festive favour from the fictional kingdom of donuts, coffee and red velour curtains, and lets face it - Christmas would be far more entertaining if it featured more than seven dancing midgets and cherry pies a plenty!

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Santa Claus and Jesus Christ Can Kiss my Welsh?! Ass

Filth is my politics, but alcohol is my life (should probably tell that to a counsellor), and originating from an extremely rural community where the highlight of Winter was a festive piss-up in a local barn-come-bar, Whiskey Christmas from Darby O'Gill and the Little People from their brilliantly named album 'Drunken Atheists' is a song that is a perfect reminder of those times. 

(For the record - when I say 'festive piss-up' what I really mean is someone had shoved some tinsel around the structural pillars - and if you're a lad and you got lucky behind the back of the portaloos you've got more chance of a sequin being lodged underneath your bellend than something really nasty)

The song itself is brilliant - the lyrics will make you howl with laughter, then probably cry, then probably feel a bit guilty about the content, very much like how I feel during a six rum and absinthe cocktail. The angst-fuelled primary school choir is somewhat reminiscent of 'People Aint No Good' by The Cramps - imagine if instead of Poison Ivy, Lux Interior fell in love with 90% Poitín and played gigs in middle schools instead of mental hospitals, i'd imagine only then could their be a Christmas song created that could be on par with this.

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The Supreme Fabulettes Ruined My Christmas

Although Christmas is traditionally about love, generosity and greeting family and friends with phony smiles and tacky gifts, my favourite part about this time of the year is the fact that it is not long until I can kiss 2012 goodbye, (and by kiss I mean puke on it and then throw it against a wall until it disappears).
Luckily for me, it appears that not only overweight, procrastinating teenage girls are feeling the minced-pie laden melancholia this winter.

The Supreme Fabulettes are a trio of MAC-caked legendary children from London, that just so happen to be pretty good friends with the remarkable Boy George. Whom of which was kind enough to display his directorial talents by penning and producing the music video for the bands debut single  'You Ruined My Xmas', an unconventional carol about men doing what they do best - spoiling all our arrangements and making pretty them girls cry.

Nevertheless, if there was anybody who could take something dismal and turn it into a fabulous song-and-dance it would be a drag queen, and the tracks humorous lyrics paired with the impressive looks and lip-syncing from the 'girls' make the song a perfect soundtrack to an unconventional Christmas. Hell, most Christmases are 'unconventional' now days anyway - I don't know many families who will have three wise men and a virgin all sat around the same table!

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The Creepiest Christmas Song Ever?

One of the definitive voices of the 1950's & 60's, Eddie Floyd, released a cornucopia of damn fine singles for Stax records in his heyday, including the unsurpassed 'Knock On Wood', and founded the original Detroit vocal group The Falcons, whom of which would go on to influence The Temptations and The Four Tops.
Now after unarguably being recognised as being an American music legend, Floyd, whom is now 75,  is back with a ten track album of festive originals - the ominously named 'I'll Be Your Santa Claus'.

The title track of Floyd's sixteenth solo effort is as creepy as could be expected from it's title, after all Santa makes toys, not hot luv in an E.L. James 'novel'. The vast amount of creepy that is in this song however, has exceeded even my expectations.
The repetition of of the soulful back-up singers cries of 'Ba Ba' in partnership with the prominent sleigh bells and the tingly synthesized piano forces the listener into an almost hypnagogic state which, when paired with the lyrical content, Floyd's frustrated crooning and the use of Comic Sans on the album cover, makes the listening experience all the more terrifying.
The lyrics speak for itself; "I've got loads of goodies in my bag for you"  groans Floyd, before suggesting in-between exaggerated sexual moans that "Santa's gonna give you everything you've been missing" - the whole sorry synopsis of the track plays out "just like Dick in A Box - but serious".

Thinking about it, this perversely forward song wouldn't be out of character for Santa - after all he does have omnipotent access to every home of the world, a whip is part of his work uniform and he already knows where all the bad girls and boys live! HO HO HO INDEED.

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